From the Journal: As of Lately

09 March 2016

journal

From the Journal: As of Lately

 

-- The following post is an unedited accounts of my thoughts --

I think I'm in a rut. I’ve been feeling this sort of way for a while.

I’m nervous.

I’m anxious.

I want time to slow down just a bit.

Does anyone else feel like time is going by way to fast? I literally wake up, go to school, or go to work, then come home late into the day, stay in my room and either do some school work or catch up on Netflix. Then, it is 2 am, time for bed. Whether I intend it or not, this has been “typical” day for the past couple of weeks.

School and a part-time job and a social life tires me out. Sometimes, I do find myself just wanting to sleep the day away.

I’m not depressed; believe me, I know how that feels like from past experience.

I think what it really is the fact that reality is QUICKLY settling in, and it is very nerve racking.

I’m about to graduate university. Shouldn’t I be more excited? Well, I’m not. I am not as excited as my family and sister. I am more… withdrawn about the entire idea. I feel like I’m not ready. I’m not sure whether or not this is a good or bad thing, but I feel like the rest of my life is a complete blur, and I don’t like that.

I like having a plan. I like to know what is going to happen (this is why I usually search up for spoilers). But, still. I just feel like I’m not ready to leave school. I don’t know what it is, but there is something comforting about being in school and just learning about something I absolutely find interesting.

Maybe I’m not ready to see what is next for me. Maybe I’m not ready to be “grown-up” and really get my career going. Maybe I just want to live in carefree one more day.

I really don’t know what it is exactly. This is the first time I’m really talking about what I’ve been feeling for weeks. And, it feels good to put my thoughts down for me to read. 

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From the Journal: When Someone Lies to You...

07 October 2015

journal

From the Journal: When Someone Lies to You...

Of course, a few thoughts, names, and situations are altered... This is the online world; I kinda still have to keep parts of my life and thoughts to myself, and the real thoughts in my journal. So, as authentic I wanted this post to be, I realized that my friends know about my blog... I didn't really want to call anyone out. I just wanted to rant. 

By the title of this post, you'd probably be expecting me to talk about a time I got jealous over Jay and some random girl. This is not that kind of post. In fact, surprisingly, it's about a few friends of mine - one in particular. So, let the ranting begin! 

I personally hate liars in general. I don't like it when people would say one thing to my face, but then do a complete 360 behind my back. I just think it is extremely wrong, and it just upsets me so much. I always try my best to be as honest as possible, no matter how much it may hurt. So, the fact that people don't it in return... it's just frustrating.

So, the other day, my friend and I were suppose to hang out. Everything was planned a week in advanced, especially since our school and work schedules were just constantly clashing. The other day seemed to be the only day we were actually free. My goal was to at least see her for like an hour or so, I just wanted to give her birthday present to her since I completely forgot to bring it to her party a week ago. So, I just wanted to meet and give her her gift. 

The morning we were suppose to meet, she actually messaged me telling me that she was tired. She just wanted to let me know that she would go home first from work and take a nap then come over.  I told her I didn't mind, and told her she can come by any time she wanted. But, somehow when I brought up my other friend having a hangover and working a 7 hour shift, she brought up meeting another day. 

I was a bit confused, but went along with it. Then, she proceeded to tell me how if she didn't have an early shift, she was going to study and sleep in before coming over. So, then she just flat out said she wanted to stay home and study; talking about having a lot of things coming up this week. I said okay, and we found another day to meet up.

Fast forward to the evening; I noticed she posted a story on snapchat. And, if you're a fellow snap chatter, you would know that people snap present moments. There's really no other way to upload pictures/videos from your gallery. Anyways, I looked at her snap to see her going out with other friends. They went to the movies and just hung out downtown. 

Talk about being tired and needing to study. 

It just made me upset. First, I don't like being lied to. Like if you don't want to hang out with me, TELL ME. Like, I literally won't cry over it. I will truly respect your honesty than lies. But, whatever right... I guess its easier to hurt my feelings by lying to me and then making me feeling even worse when your parading your lies on social media. Like, thanks. Thank you for showing me how much you respect our friendship, or at least value me as a person.

It's whatever. Perhaps next time, I just won't bother making time for you since I'm not that important, anymore. 

 

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I Started Journalling!

26 August 2015

journal

I Started Journalling!

Last week I bought a notebook. It was pink with a heart and arrows on the front cover. The cover of the notebook was not exactly hard covered, but it wasn't exactly soft covered as well. It was a mixture in between, and if I knew the right word to describe it, I would have told you for sure. But, I bought the book with the intention of writing in it. 

I decided to start journalling about my life - the good, the bad, the pretty, the random... pretty much everything.

I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately, and it got me thinking about the what if's. What if I don't remember any of my childhood/early adulthood to share stories with others in the future? What if I don't remember who I was? This journal is for me. For my future kids. For my future husband to read to me if I even lose my memory. (The Notebook much?)

I started writing it in the night I brought the book home that night. And, to much of my surprise, journalling seemed hard at first. I didn't know what to write, and I most definitely didn't know if I was writing a journal the proper way. So, I found myself on google trying to figure out if what I was doing was even right! But, few days of writing, I found that what I was writing, the way I was writing, was me. And, I didn't need google telling me how to be me.

If journalling is meant to be the uncensored version of my life; for my eyes only... I wanted the true and real effect of who I was. So, I tossed google aside, and I just wrote. 

Things I did notice, my writing was UGLY. I actually used to have beautiful writing, before the whole bring-your-laptop-to-university was a thing. I haven't done a lot of writing, so it will be very interesting to see how my writing evolves throughout the next years of journalling. 

What do I want to come out of this? I want to be able to release my thoughts and to be able to focus on the now. I noticed that whenever I wrote whatever popped up into my head, I found a relief in my mind. It was one less thing to think about while focusing on what I was suppose to do at that moment. So, I hope that this will be like a good therapeutic way to mediate and release the negative while embracing the positive. 

I am ready to take on this journey of life; and I cannot wait to re-read my adventures in the near future.

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