My Hidden Story

Look in the mirror, and tell me what you see.

I see a girl who is sad and unhappy. Someone who only knows how to smile for pictures, but not in real life and moments. You can tell by her eyes that she is filled with sadness, so many exceptions ruined with disappointment. Someone who just wants to run away and never come back.  Just run away from the pain, fear and people who have hurt me in the past.  I see someone who is afraid to trust.  Someone who has to constantly be careful of what she says so she doesn't have to deal with the repercussions later one.  I see someone who wants to be happy again, someone who wants to love and be careful and not give a shit about anything... but she can't.  She doesn't want to be put herself in a position where she is the one who has to endure all the pain and struggle.  I see a little girl who just wants to feel like she is loved.. just that little attention would make a huge difference. 

I've recently decided to start fresh and begin my personal journey to become the positive person I used to be.

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The above picture is me, and the description I wrote is how I used to (and sometimes now) see myself.  This post isn't about a love post, it is more of an expression of who I am, and what I feel most of the time.  It is a reality, and I hope people out there can relate to this blog post and join my quest to becoming a better person for yourself and becoming positive. 

Believe it or not, I used to the most positive person you would every meet - I used to always smile, laugh, and just be very sociable with everyone and everything that was around me.  I used to be even be very good at pretending everything was alright and there were absolutely nothing wrong with me or my life.

Then one day, reality snuck up from behind and just took the life out of me.  The one person I thought I could trust the most hurt me in ways you could never imagine.  I was very young and I let this one person just suck my life away little by little.  I was no longer able to trust and love anyone as much as I know I wanted to.  It is just so unfortunate how I could let one person have so much control over me. 

Sooner or later, people began to notice.  I didn't like talking to people anymore, I never shared stories about myself.... I just didn't want to be around anymore.  And on top of that, everything in my life just began to fall apart.

I guess it was true what they say, negative things happen to negative people.  Don't get me wrong, I wasn't negative towards other people.. it was more like I had negative about myself.  I didn't see myself the way other people saw me.  

Until I met JJ.  When I met him, I just wanted to tell him everything that had ever happened to me.  I wanted to let him know where I was coming from, so he can understand why I felt the way I felt about certain things.  It was just driving me crazy because I wanted to trust me, but for some reason I just could not.

As you can image, this became one of the underlying problem in our relationship... trust and communication.  As much as he thought I was being honest and positive, he had no idea what he was in for...

Then one day, he sat down and asked me straight up, "Why are you like this Vanessa."  And I just started to cry.  This was the first time that someone asked me why I was the way I am.  Then without control, I told him everything and every bit of detail of everything that has ever happened to me...

At first I didn't know what to except, nor I didn't know what his reaction would be.. I just thought that he was going to think I was crazy, and just wanted to leave... But to my surprise he didn't.  He was actually sad and hurt that everything happened to me. . . He actually apologized on everyone's behalf.

He had no idea what I went through...  no one did.

But he was determined to help me get over these underlying issues, and just help me to be happy again... happy about life, and more importantly, happy with myself.  He then asked me, "Look in the mirror Vanessa... tell me what do you see."  Everything I wrote in the beginning of this post is how I used to see myself.

Whether you want to believe me or not, I am telling you, things will get better when you have the right people in your life. These right people are the one's who love you unconditionally.  These are the people who just want to see you happy and will do anything to help you in anyway they can.

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Since my birthday is coming up very shortly, my goal is to just become a more positive person.  Yes, other people may consider me as positive, but I know how I really feel, and like I said, I've gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings.

I want to desperately be the person I used to be... I liked her so much better.  It is a working progress believe me, I cannot just sit here wishing this and that... I have to work for it.  And if any of you are like me and want to start fresh and just be a different you, I will post things here and there about my journey to becoming positive.  Hopefully it will be relatable for you to start fresh.

For now, the first step I am currently taking is, to not let things bother me.  I realized when I let things bother me, my head twists everything around leading to me think about things that are probably almost near impossible to be happening. This is just unnecessary anxiety and stress that I am just creating, and just eats everything away from me...

 Happy Tuesday Everyone!